my first official blog

I started making moves with love in mind, instead of spite, this time last year.

we had just moved from rural town to the suburbs. I had been slowly veering away from social media for a while; the move made it so much easier. the only part of social media I participated in was an occasional selfie with the hubs and doom scrolling TikTok. this is when major changes started to happen.

sure, I had always favored exercise, food with real ingredients, essential oils and plant medicine, taking naps. I knew of religion and spirituality.

yet, I had not really loved or cared for myself in a very long time. there were always circumstances or environment related issues with me really caring for myself. I knew what mindfulness was, I knew how to meditate and to belly breathe.

I hid from the world for an entire year.

I took weekend trips back home to visit my sister and my besties. didn’t tell any one else that I was just a few miles away. I vigorously trained my entire body for months. gaining 20 pounds and 4 pant sizes. I force-fed myself baked white fish with rice and vegetables. I started shoving my face in a bowl of ice water every morning. I made adrenal cocktails. I got off all antidepressants and anti anxiety medication without assistance. my close relationships blossoming as I really cared myself, I was also caring for them.

I researched. it was difficult to not tell anyone what I was up to. not even my husband knew. it was my secret and the universe or god or the creator helped me keep it mine. I studied ingredients and processes. I researched authors and teachers and certifications. I rented a cabin in the middle of the woods to reset.

my outward appearance started to change again, just like the inner me changed with every step forward.

I knew I was outgrowing my environment again, decided to make the leap.

I had watched Hey June with Pheydrus on TikTok for years before I signed up. charging that much to a credit card was a big deal for me. a commitment to myself and to capital one. I knew that if I could further love and know myself, my inhibitions would melt away and I could be stronger for it. I plunged and I plunged deep. further hiding in my cave (human design).

I had been healing for so long. I just wasn’t aware that I was healing, even though my ego would say otherwise to anyone that asked. I had been working through triggers, insecurities, trauma, memories of neglect for years. yet, I had not learned to love myself along the way.

I put spite down. it had helped me get here, I could not continue to live and be successful in this mindset.

I started actively loving myself. intentionally chewing food. mirror exercises. sponateous sex with hubs. nurturing rest schedules. I sought out other mentors and may have been a little frivolous in spending to get much needed advice.

more moves in silence.

I filed llc. I filed licensing. I ordered supplies. I made beautiful soaps. I started posting on social media again.

this is the first public project of mine. it is with happy tears that I type this. even though it won’t be published for a few months, its a huge accomplishment to even come this far.

it can be lonely sometimes, yet I know that im not ever alone.